Yeah, I bought one of these a couple days ago. Normally I’d go with a DQ Blizzard, mc chris style, but not that day. Friday I went with a Hot Fudge Sundae, fortunately (or, unfortunately) I didn’t order nuts. Now, I don’t know if the employees were just screwing around with me or if they failed Physics, but what I got was this:

Yeah, the fudge at the bottom immediately created a hot moat of molten fudge and cream, rapidly weakening the foundations of my ice cream dick. I put it in my cup holder and jabbed the spoon into its pee hole, pretending I was driving stick back to the office. I had to get a picture for you, the loyal reader, no matter the personal cost. That fool was leaning like Pisa, but I managed to get back with only one cream droplet on my console.

Anyway, you owe it to yourselves to read this:
Wiki Phallic Entry And since I typed it, now go Google “Phallic Entry”

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So anyway, today I didn’t have plans or immediate business  to take care of at lunch.  Idle hands.  Of course I explored.  It started out innocent, seeing where the other end of a road was. Turns out I already knew, I had just never made the connection.  I have now officially made said connection, and it is unfulfilling.  I’m some sort of compulsive collector, so since I was “close” I went to Burger King to get a Halo 3 bag (last time I just got a cup).  Anyway, I just got a regular bag again, and regular cup this time, leaving me still without accomplishment.  In fact, since fast food will kill you I’d say I was firmly in the hole, a hole no amount of generic cups will dig me out of.  Naturally I drove down another road.  I almost didn’t, since reading two lane ending signs was not enough to make me slow down.  After a quick jaunt into a mobile home community (I didn’t want to say trailer park in case you’re reading this from one), and picking my now empty fry container out of the floorboard, I was ready to rock and continue rolling.  Oh, I got a Halo 3 fry box, wee.  My generic bag had also retained one fry, but that’s not important right now.  Had I accepted this small accomplishment at face value I would not have spent the better part of an hour driving down a road to fuckin nowhere.  I really expected to see a “no outlet” sign or a Delorean, something other than trees and farms.  I needed to make my way right (I don’t know the cardinal direction, like you care) but this particular road was intent on curving left.  It reminded me of my wang actually.  Anyway I got back to the office with 4 minutes of lunch remaining – plenty of time to eat my Whopper Jr and one fry.  I also had time to clean my car, get a good start on my colossal Vault (gag) and realize I could have actually posted here.  Now you know where my free time goes.  It’s stupid shit like driving around town, in this case the sticks, or debating what unhealthy thing I want to eat.  Sometimes I stare at the wall.

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As the jingle went, “Almond Joy’s got nuts, Mounds don’t.”  I took this for granted for years, blissfully ignorant to the forces that controlled my very foodage.  No more!  What am I talking about? Coconut.  Yeah, what does that have in it? Nut.  And it’s in bofum.  Both. Of. Them.  The other day I realized Mounds do have nuts.  Proud of my newfound realization I went to Wikipedia to crush my enthusiasm.  Turns out coconut is not part of the nut “family.”  I says that if nothing else they’re freaking adopted.   

Classroom: Nuts can be fruit or seed, coconut is a fruit with nut in its name. 

Someone needs to come clean.  Did the Hershey group (or Peter Paul himself!) force nuts to kick out their coconut brethren?  Are Mounds merely Castrato Almond Joys?  Are those the nuts they speak of?  Until I know for sure, I say they both have nuts.  But, to be PC (and not mock the Castratos, poor bastards) I’m calling Almond Joy’s little wonders “growths.”  Kind of like huge tumors under your chocolatey goodness. 

I’m going in for more research, just for you, the kind-hearted reader.  So far all I’ve found is this bra.

Right now I’ve got Weird Al in my head.  Sometimes I feel like a nut, or like a nut is singing to me about feeling like a nut.

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